Leaving a narcissist
By Tamara Darice
I had a murky childhood, although we had a fairy tale home with a white picket fence, the first decade of my life was not ideal. I would have considered my mother and stepfather as a power couple in the 70’s - they had good jobs, the mindset to purchase a home, an enviable magnetic relationship - the outside of everything including me was polished to perfection. When I was 8 or 9, my stepfather turned his rage towards me and slapped me so hard I fell to the ground. What happened in that house that day was insane. That was my last day in our house, and the last time I saw him. Things were secretive, we never talked about it, and we kept it moving. I pressed those years deep down inside of me, but I told myself that if any man EVER hit me, I’M LEAVING.
Fast forward, I am in full-time ministry as a co-Pastor with my husband, on the cusp of entrepreneurship. We moved to another state due to the demands of his job, then we got a divorce. I am in my early forties, and starting over as an empty nester, in a new state. I was excited and scared, but ready to be on a journey in a new season. One day, I stood gazing at a beautiful water fountain mulling over the prophetic words and dreams that were to manifest and shape my life. In that moment, I said a little prayer, God, please give me 6 months to get to know myself more in this season, read some books, take some bubble baths, explore this city, work on my career, make more money, evolve, and then start dating.
A couple of weeks after saying that prayer, I met someone, the chemistry was strong, and I totally forgot about everything and my 6-month prayer. He asked for my number and called me that evening and just about every day for the next 6 ½ years. This man was everything I thought I wanted. By the time I found out some gut-wrenching truths about him, he was already telling me he loved me, and I decided to believe him. The relationship at the time was convenient for me, I was enamored, and my soul was tied up. Things were moving so fast I barely had time to think. The foundation of our relationship was built on lies, deceit, secrets, lust, rebellion, and so many more negative connotations. We were inseparable, the chemistry was intoxicating, we could not get enough of each other’s time, I was lost in the magical pseudo world we quickly began to build. This man dated me to no end, and I did not want it to end although there were so many red flags, I kept on going.
Although I was working on my career by advancing my education, I was quickly losing focus of myself and the image of the Woman I knew my future held. My career was not advancing but his was. I suppressed my ambitious spirit by listening to the wrong voice and got stuck in a company that was not able to advance my career. I had countless interviews, but doors were not opening. When I did have time to myself, I would feel awful and beat myself up because I felt so separated from God. I wanted to get out, but my soul was anchored in the abyss of the relationship.
The first time I broke up with him, he displayed what I thought was mental illness; he lost about 20 lbs. in less than two weeks. Another time, he banged on my door while calling my phone over thirty times while I was hiding in the closet. Unbeknown to me, this was just the beginning, he was a narcissistic monster, every time I would break it off, something would happen to draw me back in. Because I kept trying to end the relationship, I became imperfect Tamara in his eyes and his goal was to make me suffer. The narcissistic personality came all the way out, the mind games intensified, and I started second guessing verifiable truths and the debilitating verbal abuse started. I continued to cave in, although there were many breakups, each breakup, the stalking and verbal abuse would get worse, his words were beating me profusely.
I knew I had to leave but I did not know how, by this time, I was living paycheck to paycheck, I had low self-esteem and low self-worth, I lost friends behind the relationship, and I was in the backseat of my own life. The truth was that I loved him to the fibers of his brokenness, but the spirits in him hated me with a passion and were on an assignment to stop me from becoming the Woman I was designed to become.
One evening in the sixth year, we were at my house, his father was on the phone, we were talking and laughing and he asked to speak to me, so I got on the phone, he said, “don’t let him bully you, he’s just a big old softy on the inside, YOU GOT THE POWER!” When he said, YOU GOT THE POWER, the flickering flame on the inside ignited like a furnace and scriptures were speaking to me and I started planning my move, my prayer life intensified and I kept on going to Church.
A couple of weeks later, he pulled up to my home, with his car packed with clothes. I knew his lease was up, but I did not know what he decided to do. I asked him why he had so much stuff in his car. He said he decided to give everything away and not renew his lease, I asked him what he was going to do, and he said he was going to move in with me. Wait, what? I knew if we moved in together, it would almost be impossible for me to leave him so I mustered up enough strength and told him that we could not live together, and I gave him several reasons why. He had this plan that we never discussed before, it was to live together until my lease was over and then buy a home together.
During the entire conversation, I am baffled and wondering if he totally forgot about what recently happened. He invited me to a work event in the skybox for a game, nothing new, we had been to several games in the skybox, but this was with his new team due to his promotion. I knew all the colleagues from our conversations, and I was ready to meet everyone in person and naturally make a good impression. I was being my normal bubbly self at this event, and I thought everything went well. After the game both of us were a bit intoxicated and decided to walk down to one of the restaurants at the arena to sober up before leaving.
As soon as we sat down, an onslaught of accusations and insulting words hurled out of his mouth and I could see the evil, he started calling me these horrible names and accused me of being in one of his colleagues’ faces and said that I wanted him. The look on his face was frightening so I grabbed my keys to use as a weapon because I felt like the night was about to take a turn in the physical abuse direction. I pleaded with him that I was not flirting with his colleague and reminded him that his colleague is a man and is married to a man so that puts me out of his league. The insults continued and were deeply seated from the jealousy he felt from my interaction with his colleagues. I clearly saw that this man is jealous and does not like me. When the server came to the table, I told her not to leave me because I did not feel safe, she got a security guard, and the guard walked me to my car. I stayed at a friend’s house for the night. I woke up to several missed calls and long apologies, somehow, I felt sorry for him, but I knew I had to leave.
After staying with me over a weekend, I made it noticeably clear that we were not about to playhouse, so he went to stay with his people. The next week, I got up one morning, and it was the day, I decided I was not going to live this way anymore, I was tired of the stagnation in my job, the relationship, the lies, not having money and my brokenness, everything came to a head. I went to work, wrote a letter of resignation, took it to my boss, we had a few words and she offered me more money but there was nothing she could dangle before me to make me stay. I took a break to clear my mind and while on the break, I got a call from the city I was moving to for an in-person interview. I went back into the office; told my boss I needed a few days off in lieu of my resignation. I called my girls to come over, we packed up my place. I packed my car and drove to my new state. I practically cried the entire 10-hour drive, but I was confident that God was making a way for me, and I knew I was not going to go back to him.
The most impactful part of my healing journey was when God showed me the spirits that were in operation with the narcissistic personality. That was what broke the back of the darkness in my life. Self-reflection helped me to reset my mindset, understanding the truth about myself and changing what was ugly, weak, or perverted was powerful. I sought hard after God for understanding and deliverance; I did not want to just suppress things to get by, I did not want to leave any stone unturned. I want total freedom and freedom is what I have been getting. I went through therapy, counseling, and currently coaching.
I have had to shift my energy to love others onto myself and keep me first in the pecking order of my heart and choose me every day over anyone or anything else. This really started happening when some friends were removed.
I have had to learn how to stand in unison with my moral compass and my non-negotiables. I walk away from any meeting or relationship that is not for me and I am gracefully waiting until my person walks onto the scene of my life when God says, he is the one.
I am Tamara Smith, a mother, daughter, Woman of God and the founder, owner, and CEO of TamaraDarice, LLC where I am an International Certified Life Coach helping people harness and embody their magnetism. I want people to know they have the power! I have 20 + years’ experience in Human Resources - Employee Benefits space. I have a bachelor’s in organizational development, and a master’s in healthcare administration.
Happy International Women’s Day! You Have The POWER.
Instagram: @tamaradarice
TicToc: @tamaradarice1
Email: @tamaradarice@outlook.com
