It Started with a Decision - The Journey to Self Discovery
I woke up one morning and thought to myself... cannot imagine feeling this way for another decade of my life. I was in such a low place but at 34 years old, it looked like I had it all. I had two beautiful children, a husband that I had been married to for 10 years, a thriving career as a clinical leader, and a host of friends and family. On social media, I played the role very well and it was convincing to those looking in from the outside. I made sure that I put on a show and was dedicated to upholding a lie.
The truth was that I did not value myself and my choices reflected that to those who looked close enough. My weight yo-yo'd up and down, I was on antidepressants, and I was married to a man that did not love me and whom I did not love. I was ashamed of what my marriage had become but as a fatherless little girl, I wore the scars of abandonment and was terrified to leave. The scars showed up in every interaction I ever had, in how I required others to treat me, and in my decision to stay in a loveless marriage with a serial cheater. I could not imagine raising my children in a home without their father but I was falling apart.
I was raised being told that what goes on in your home was meant to stay in your home so very few people knew that I was unhappy and actively shrinking. Thankfully, as a healthcare provider, I was exposed to the positive impact that psychotherapy could have on a person and I sought the help of a therapist.
My path to self-discovery started with a decision. I first made the decision to unpack the emotions that I carried from my childhood, I then decided that I deserved better, and then I decided to file for divorce. I wanted to be seen, heard and loved. But I didn't know how to love, see, or listen to my own self. It was through therapy that I started to see ME differently and to trust myself. I started to explore things that brought me joy and I increased my faith. I started showing up for myself and could feel my light coming back to me. I went back to school and obtained my Doctorate degree, I started exploring ways to honor myself through self-care and boundary setting, I stepped courageously into entrepreneurship, and I intentionally created memories with my children. I was becoming who I was intended to be and it felt amazing. I even found love again.
Divorce was very hard. I now know that staying in a space that did not serve me would have been even harder. The woman, mother, partner, and friend that has emerged makes that process worth it. Healing is a continuous journey and a final destination does not really exist. I have picked up some amazing souvenirs along the way though.
Some of my favorite souvenirs are self-esteem, self-awareness, the ability to extend myself grace, and discernment. I still have days where the struggle is real but the woman I was ten years ago is so very proud of the woman I am today. I am able to show up as my full self, set a standard for how I am to be treated and honor myself with decisions that are aligned with how I see my future self. I am a happier version of myself and I pray that happiness finds each and every woman reading this.
Amen and Ase'
Written by Dr. LaChrista Bishop, DNP, RN, NE-BC | Coach | Mentor | Educator
Follow her @dr.bishop_coach on Instagram
