Walking the Balancing Beam of Boundaries

Walking the Balancing Beam of Boundaries: Mastering the Art of Saying No 

Boundary setting is more challenging than we often admit. For many women, learning to say 'no' is a journey that takes years, shaped by hard-earned wisdom and, usually, painful lessons. It is way more difficult than we tend to admit. I haven’t met many women who have mastered this art of self-preservation effectively, especially at a younger age. Becoming a more seasoned “auntie” I can now share this wisdom with my daughters and others who will listen. Still, I’ve noticed that without a firm grasp on a much larger intention and purpose to fall back on, setting boundaries and saying no is close to impossible in everyday life. 

Saying no is difficult. 

In a toxic season of my life, I was relentlessly stuck on the hamster wheel of people-pleasing, desperately trying to find my value and worth through the appreciation of others that never came. I was up early to get my daughters out the door for school. I was driving them to separate schools. Commuting to work or running errands. Holding up my domestic responsibilities as a mom and wife. Sacrificing time, energy, and earning potential to serve my local church operations, in and out of academic programs trying to finish a degree, picking up my daughters from school, attending their extracurricular activities, and trying to make sense of this then unexplainable urge to create and run my own business or organization. I mean I was wearing hat upon hat upon hat like many of you right now. There was no room to say “no.” So I thought. 

I had zero knowledge of boundary setting or the wisdom to not let others down but to establish myself on my list of priorities. There were consistent cycles of burnout. Part of me wishes that someone had shown me that setting boundaries is not to control others but to manage myself and they protect my well-being. I absolutely love that I have been blessed with this purpose to give back to others the lessons that I have learned through the school of hard knocks. Sharing my hard-earned wisdom can save a sister from enduring similar circumstances. 

Boundaries are like a balancing beam because to stay in the game you have to practice a give-and-take to see what works. We’re not talking about developing a habit of consistent ‘no’ across the board. That is selfish, inconsiderate, and in some instances irresponsible. We’re discussing the developing of a regular habit of reassessing what is truly a priority and being willing to shift. Say no to others' obligations or say no to what you need, desire, or seek. Boundaries are not about building walls but creating a safe space where you can heal, grow, and thrive. 

How?

Oh, it’s so simple! Just fly by the seat of your pants and let your emotions lead you! 

WRONG. 

It might seem easier to go with the flow, letting emotions guide you without much thought. But this approach rarely leads to balance.

From Kendrick Lamar’s Not Like Us, 2024

Let’s discuss how based on the balancing beam analogy. 

Imagine walking on a balancing beam, high above the ground. The beam represents your life’s path - the journey toward your goals, calling, purposes, well-being, and authentic self. To stay on the beam, you must maintain balance, which symbolizes managing yourself and your external world - with boundaries. Just like in gymnastics, balance is not about standing still; it’s about constant, mindful adjustments. 

Here’s how we can break this thing down, so it can forever and consistently be broke. (IYKYK, Love Jones movie, 1997)

1. Find your Center of Gravity: Knowing your Core Values

1. Just like a gymnast has to find their center of gravity to stay steady and consistent, so do we. We have to know how to center and ground ourselves so we are stable in all movement. Knowing what truly matters in your spiritual journey and at your core anchors you. These anchors help you determine where your boundaries need to be drawn. Without this inner clarity and self-awareness, it’s a given that you will continually lose your balance and fall off the beam. Starting over and over and over. 

2. Take Careful, Calculated Steps: Setting Boundaries with Intention

1. Walking on a beam requires each step to be intentional and carefully placed. In the same way, setting boundaries is about making deliberate choices. This requires thought, consideration, and wisdom. When you say “no” to something that doesn’t align with your values or drains your energy, there is always a price to pay and that price is a misstep most likely toppling off the balancing beam. Thoughtless decisions can lead to stumbles - moments when you overcommit or stretch yourself too thin. Practice. Practice. Practice. This takes practice.

3. Correcting Your Balance: Adjusting Boundaries When Necessary

1. A gymnast constantly makes tiny adjustments to stay balanced on the beam. Likewise, boundaries are not static, they need to be adjusted consistently as circumstances change. Accepting that one needs to be flexible, open to change, and ready to pivot regularly is so important paired with grace for when things don’t go the way you hoped they would. Life shifts, changes, and evolves. Sometimes you need to tighten boundaries during a busy season or loosen them when nurturing a new relationship or project. The key is to recognize when you’re leaning too far in one direction - over-committing or under-engaging - and make the necessary corrections to stay on the beam. 

4. Graceful Recovery: Learning from Boundary Missteps

1. No gymnast is perfect; slips happen. Even our beloved gymnast, Simone Biles, has had slips past, present, and future. But what sets her apart from some of us is her ability to recover gracefully. In the same way, we might occasionally say “yes” when we should have said “no.” Or fail to communicate our boundaries clearly. The most important thing about this moment is to learn from this and do so without self-judgment. Refuse to beat yourself up. Reflect, recalibrate, and get back on the beam. 

5. Staying Focused on the End Goal: Living Authentically and Purposefully

1. Have you ever done any type of physical balancing activity before? Tree pose in Yoga? When balancing, especially on something as specific as a beam, distractions can cause a fall. Keeping your eyes ahead helps maintain focus and balance. This means staying aligned with your goals, purpose, beliefs, and values even when external pressures and voices try to push you off course. 

6. The Safety Net: Support Systems and Self-Care

1. Beneath every beam in gymnastics is a safety mat. This represents your support systems - friends, family, mentors, or communities like the Global Women’s Transformation Community. These are the people and practices that help catch you when you stumble, allowing you to get back up and keep moving forward. Self-care is another essential part of your safety net; it cushions you against the wear and tear of life’s balancing act. 

7. Mastering the Routine: The Art of Boundary Setting

1. Over time, with practice, a gymnast’s routine becomes smoother and more natural. As you become more experienced in self-awareness and self-discovery, setting and maintaining boundaries will become a habit - second nature. You become more confident in your ‘no’. Assertiveness no longer feels like being mean or aggressive. You become more graceful in navigating life’s challenges and demands, knowing when to stand firm and when to bend. 

Common Challenges in Setting Boundaries

I’ve seen that societal and cultural expectations teach against boundary setting. Going with the flow and being everything to everyone is a common theme and narrative for women of all ages and cultures. Many people struggle with setting boundaries due to this conditioning and the expectations of others around us who also buy into these myths of boundaryless living. Let’s highlight specifically how some of these challenges look and tips to overcome them. 

1. Fear of Being Perceived as Selfish, Unkind, or Uncooperative

- Many of us have been conditioned to believe that saying “no” or setting limits makes us selfish or unkind. There is a deep-seated fear that if we assert our needs or desires, others will view us as difficult, self-centered, or unhelpful.

- This fear is particularly prevalent among women, who are often socialized to be nurturing, accommodating, and self-sacrificing. The desire to be seen as a "good" person can conflict with the need to prioritize our own well-being.

- How to Overcome It: Reframe boundary-setting as an act of self-respect and kindness, not just to yourself but to others as well. When you establish healthy boundaries, you are more present, engaged, and authentic in your relationships.

2. Guilt Associated with Saying “No”

- Guilt is a significant emotional barrier when it comes to setting boundaries. Saying "no" can make us feel like we’re letting others down or failing to meet their expectations. This guilt is often rooted in a desire to please others or a fear of disappointing them.

- People may fear that setting boundaries could lead to rejection, conflict, or a breakdown in relationships, especially when dealing with family, close friends, or colleagues.

- How to Overcome It: Understand that saying "no" to something that doesn’t align with your values or capacity is saying "yes" to yourself. Practicing small “no’s” can help build confidence. For example, start with less emotionally charged situations and gradually work up to setting boundaries in more challenging scenarios.

3. Lack of Clarity About Personal Values and Limits

- It’s challenging to set boundaries when you’re unclear about your own values, needs, and limits. Without this self-awareness, it’s easy to say “yes” to everything, leaving you feeling stretched thin and overwhelmed.

- A lack of clarity can also lead to inconsistent boundaries, where you might set a boundary one day and ignore it the next. This inconsistency can confuse others and make it harder for them to respect your boundaries.

- How to Overcome It: Engage in self-reflection to identify what truly matters to you—your core values, priorities, and non-negotiables. Journaling, meditation, or coaching can help you uncover these insights and create a solid foundation for setting boundaries that are clear and consistent.

4. Cultural and Societal Expectations

- Cultural and societal norms often dictate that certain people—particularly women, people of color, or those in caregiving roles—should be selfless, always available, and accommodating. This expectation can make it feel “wrong” to set boundaries, as though you’re breaking an unspoken rule.

- In some cultures, boundaries may be perceived as a sign of disconnection or disrespect, adding another layer of complexity when setting them with family or community.

- How to Overcome It: Recognize that societal norms are not universal truths. Your well-being, autonomy, and authenticity are valid and worthy of respect. Surround yourself with people and communities that understand and support the need for healthy boundaries, and use them as a model to help navigate more challenging cultural contexts.

5. Fear of Conflict and Rejection

- The fear of conflict often prevents people from setting boundaries. Many worry that asserting their needs will lead to arguments, tension, or even a breakdown in the relationship. This is especially true in workplaces or family dynamics where power imbalances exist.

- There is also a fear of rejection—of being left out, criticized, or judged for standing up for oneself. This fear can keep people in a pattern of people-pleasing or over-committing, leading to resentment and burnout.

- How to Overcome It: Understand that healthy conflict is a natural part of any relationship. If setting a boundary causes a conflict that cannot be resolved through respectful dialogue, it may reveal the need to reconsider the relationship's terms or even its continuation. Practice assertive communication techniques that focus on expressing your needs clearly and respectfully while also being open to the other person's perspective.

6. The Belief that Boundaries Are Rigid Walls

- Some people think of boundaries as rigid, immovable walls that isolate them from others, leading to fears of being seen as cold, unapproachable, or overly strict.

- This misconception can prevent people from setting boundaries altogether, thinking it’s an all-or-nothing situation. However, boundaries are not about shutting people out; they are about letting people in but on your own terms.

- How to Overcome It: Reframe boundaries as guidelines rather than rigid walls. Understand that boundaries can be flexible and adaptable. The key is to communicate changes clearly and with integrity, ensuring that your boundaries continue to serve your highest purpose and well-being.

7. Internalized Beliefs and Past Experiences

- Negative experiences from the past, such as being shamed or punished for setting a boundary, can lead to internalized beliefs that it is "unsafe" to assert needs or limits.

- People who have experienced manipulation, gaslighting, or emotional abuse may find it particularly challenging to set boundaries because they have learned to question their own judgment or to prioritize others' needs over their own.

- How to Overcome It: Work on healing these past wounds through therapy, coaching, or personal development practices. Learn to trust your instincts and validate your needs. Start small by setting low-stakes boundaries and gradually build up to more challenging ones, reinforcing your confidence each step of the way.

Wow, this turned out to be a long post. I hope that it is empowering for you. Learning how to live with this mindset of self-preservation has been a life-changer and made it possible for me to manage depression, anxiety, burnout, overwhelm, and analysis paralysis. I share this in hopes that you also will find some peace and hope in a life where you feel that you have some control over it. Remember, while ultimate control lies with the Lord, you have the power to lead, manage, and steward your life wisely.

No one else knows how to manage your life better than you do. 

Now your turn! 

Reflect on Your Current Boundaries:

• “What is one area of your life where you feel your boundaries are most respected? What makes these boundaries effective?”

• “Conversely, where do you feel your boundaries are frequently crossed or ignored? What might be contributing to this?”

Explore the Impact of Fear and Guilt:

• “What fears come up for you when you think about setting or reinforcing a boundary? How have these fears influenced your past decisions?”

• “Do you ever feel guilty when you set boundaries? What does this guilt tell you about your beliefs or values?”

Identify Core Values and Needs:

• “What are your top three core values, and how do they inform your boundaries? Are there areas where your actions and boundaries are misaligned with these values?”

• “What needs are currently unmet because of a lack of boundaries? How could setting a specific boundary help meet those needs?”

So far this month we’ve learned how to recognize and scale the wall of self-doubt, make it through the maze of authenticity, and now walk the balancing beam of boundaries. We’ve almost made it through the obstacle course! 

If you're ready to walk this path with a community of like-minded women striving for growth and empowerment, join us in the Global Women’s Transformation Collective! Register Here. We’re launching a new group coaching and training program in October—don't miss this opportunity to connect, grow, and transform together!

Be encouraged, my sisters. Be empowered. Choose to be happy.